Ok, friends, I am about to turn into that thing most dread.....a mother in law

Those of you who are daughters in law/ sons in law, give me your advice on being a good enough mother in law.  I am not going to be perfect, I already know that, and hopefully my new daughter will realize that as well.

Mother in laws, what is your best advice for being a good enough mother in law. 

I really want to love on my son's wife well.....

I love my mother-in-law.  She has always treated me as a person, a fellow woman and wife, someone worth talking to as an equal.

Shortly after I married her son, she told me that, now she would never have to worry about whether he was eating right, because she knew I'd take care of him.  That felt great to hear.


I guess the advice I'd give you is:  Do not "turn into a mother in law".  Stay who you are.  Just let your son and his wife be adults.  Friends, even.



But if you want some specifics:

Remember that advice, even when it was asked for, is not a command.  They may chose a different option.

Remember that their home is their home.

Remember that you son will now begin mixing your family traditions with her family traditions.  Be open to some new things, especially at holiday time.

Don't make comparisons between yourself and her parents.  Different strokes for different folks.

Don't track how often they visit you versus the other parents.  This just breeds resentment.

Remember that there will be missteps on all sides.  Be prepared to apologize now and then, and to accept apologies.

My mother had several dil's. She kept her mouth shut unless asked. She didn't talk about the girls among them. If she had some bad feelings she went to her best friend. They were close until she died. Some of my brothers were divorced along the way. It was amazing not one of the ladie ever loss touch with my Moma. She just treated them how she wanted to be treated with respect. It is not always easy but she sure did it. I do remember one of the dil's having an affair. She came to Moma to get her to be on her side. Moma had these words without being angry. " You may not always be my dil but he will always be my son." This same lady was divorced from my brother but she was the first at the house when Moma died. I write this now and I have a son who will also marry someday and I pray I can be the woman my mother was with the dil's. I wish you love and I think you will be great.

I treat my DIL and SIL like I do my own kids. I never give advice unless asked. Respect their wishes to start their own family traditions around the holidays, especially once they have children. If they want to be in their own home on the holidays so be it.

I love my MIL & FIL. They have never interfered and I have tried to follow their example.

Kaye, you are a sweet, kind, loving person.  Those qualities are going to make you a great MIL.  Hugs!

I have been a MIL for many years. The number one thing has been mentioned here keep your mouth shut. Give advice only when they ask. And when they start their family also keep your mouth shut do not tell them how to raise their family. Treat your new DIL as if she was your own daughter. I love my SIL and DIL very much. They have mentioned often what a good MIL I am. Years ago my MIL did not know when to keep her mouth shut, and I promised myself when I became such I would bite my tongue and only give advice when asked and be a good listener also. Must admit there were times when it was difficult but I have managed and done a pretty good job.

don't fake niceness,it can be detected

don't say" you should",say "i have an idea"say the idea,then,let it go,don't keep repeating it, she'll make her choice of whatever the issue

stay out of arguments between her and your son,

don't give gifts with strings attached,if you give an outfit to their child it's ok if something gets spilled on it,or if it's not worn every time you see the grandchild,it's still ok

TAKE NOTES,PLEASE :)

stay calm under times of stress and tension

don't pop in 3 times a day saying"is the baby awake?",you'll find out soon enough

act as happy when you receive a gift from her as you would receiving from others

RELAX you'll do great

at least your researching the matter:)

i hope your taking notes in case you have grand children someday

buy camphor oil for when you bite your tongue repeatedly,you'll need it

Do not constantly lie to and manipulate your son so that he will come to your house at the drop of a hat.

Do not act sweet as pie to your DIL and then be a hateful, spiteful, vindictive old blankety-blank when she is not there.

Do not make your son feel as tho he has to choose between his new family and you.

And if you smoke, when you go to their house even if your son and dil say it's fine for you to smoke inside, please don't do it because they will spend the next hour after you leave spraying air freshener on EVERYTHING.

During holiday times and your dil makes one of her traditional family dishes, remind your son that just because her's is a different way of making a dish it doesn't mean it's the wrong way to make it.

I can't stand my mother in law. Not one bit. Just last week I cut off all communication with her because I just can't tolerate her anymore.

I really don't think you could be as horrible as her if you tried. Mostly because she's not just a horrible mother in law but also a horrible mother, wife, daughter, sister, co-human being, etc...

She is just all about herself and cares nothing about anyone else. My advice (coming from the daughter in law) is to keep your opinions to yourself unless asked. And if it's truly your heart's desire to love on your son's wife well...chances are, you'll be great at doing just that and she'll love you to pieces.

Kaye, you'll do fine.

Cheer your kids-in-law on! Support their marriages...from the sidelines.

Find ways to let them know you're glad your son/daughter chose them. Find ways to let them know you are proud of them.

It's hard for a mom to be replaced by another woman, but this is what we raise our sons for...to let them go. If you don't try to cling too tightly, you won't drive them away. Ditto for daughters and their husbands, although this time, I think it's hard for dad to be replaced by another man.

Kaye, you know my youngest son just got married 10ish days ago. Big lump in my throat, but great joy too. I wish he was still a chubby toddler cuddling with me. But he's a grown man, and he doesn't need a mommy, he needs his wife. That is by God's design, and it's a very good thing.

My MIL was wonderful.  She treated her DILs like daughters.   The only times I had complaints about her was when she rearranged my kitchen and when she sewed up all of the fabric I had purchased.  I never had a son, but when someone said to my son-in-law "you like your MIL" he said, "she's my best friend".  Yes we had our differences, but he was a fantastic person and I miss him.  

This is pure gold!!!!  I am printing all of these off, and I am going to keep this advice and return to it to see how I am doing from time to time.

Anyone else????

Do you love your son's girlfriend?  Because if you do..that's a pretty good start.

Yes I do, Sue.  She compliments him very well and is a kind and considerate young woman.  She is careful for our family and is a loyal person.  She listens to my son and tries to understand where he is coming from in his conversation. 

Then it sounds like you'll have no problems loving your son's wife  She'll still be that same kind woman, only now she'll be yours too.