Kitchen Chat

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

GrandmaK_54_Illinois — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 18:21:22 GMT

GmawMary, congratulations on the birth of your new grandbaby. I am so sorry about the pain you are living with. You have been given some great advice. The only thing I can say is to (outwardly) ignore DIL actions, but make sure your son allows you to have a relationship with your grandchild. You and your immediate family sound like the only normal people in the child's life.

I have 2 things to add. My brother's wife is a hoarder. We never knew why we weren't welcome in their home until my nephew's wife confided that to my DD. Their own grandchildren have never even been allowed into their home! This same brother has a mentally ill DD. When I say mentally ill, I mean scary crazy. She has lost custody of her 3 children. Neither one is getting help. My brother has been covering for them for years. Here's what I want to say. In covering for the crazy women in his life, my brother has become a part of the illness. If your son isn't dealing with his wife's obvious craziness, he is part of the illness. I don't know if it would do any good to try to talk to him about it because he probably doesn't want to hear it and will only get angry with you.

Thing 2. Children see through these things. Your grandbaby will someday understand without anyone having to bad mouth Mommy. My oldest DD has 2 sons from her first (abusive) marriage. She and her DH have made a conscious effort to be as cordial as possible with her ex and not bad mouth him in front of the boys. Trust me. Those boys know who the "real" dad in their lives is, and it's not the sperm donor. It's their step dad who would die for them. They know what's what without having to be told.

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

SpicyChicken_SoCal — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 17:12:25 GMT

(((((Gmaw)))))

I have a sister who has done many mean and hurtful things over the years. and I used to not 'give her the satisfaction' of knowing that I was hurt. and I wouldn't tell others what she did because I thought I was being the better person and not gossiping. The 2 things I learned from that was 1) I raised the bar for her hurtfulness, if she thought that didn't hurt (bc I ignored it), then she would try something else; 2) if you don't tell others, they don't understand what you've gone through and they will see her as the victim; not you.

I say call her on her crap.

--------------------------------------------------

That was my first answer, but now that I've read that it wasn't as personal as first thought and your son does know what happened, I might leave it at that. But I still would not keep quiet to others. They need to know. and...... are you sure she didn't know who the flowers were from?

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

starchild — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:47:47 GMT

She apparently has "issues" and probably nothing to do with you. She could be very insecure and possessive (of her DH, who is also your DS) Maybe her own family wasn't or isn't so open and giving and caring so she's not used to it. (Maybe she is just a miserable b*tch (LOL)

If there is some way to stay in contact with your DS and any children (over the years) without it seeming like a big deal (shunning her) that seems like your best bet.

And they (probably your DS) sent you the announcement and pictures!

Imagine what Dear Abby (or Judge Judy) would say about the no thank yous or acknowledgements in a good way.

But, backing off, "life" has a way of givng lessons to people. And, at some point maybe she will realize all she had, could have had and is missing.

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

BarefootCrone — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:08:28 GMT

That's the thing. You can try and try and try, but if you keep getting shot down, eventually you have to step back in self preservation. It doesn't sound like she rejected them because they were from you; she apparently didn't know who they were from. Your son should insist she get professional help.

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

GmawMary — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 14:56:58 GMT

starchild:

I wonder if there might be some mistake? Like the flowers went to the wrong person (in the hospital) or something?

No - no mistake. Ds called his dad and asked if we had sent flowers - that a delivery person had come to room and she went ballistic and yelled at him and told him to take the flowers and get out - didn't even ask who sent them. They've been together for almost 10 years - married almost 8 - we have gotten 1 thank you for a birthday gift, 1 thank you for a Christmas gift, 1 thank you for an anniversary gift from her. (Ds always thanks us) When she was first pregnant and was craving banana bread and said she wished she could make it as good as I did. I baked her some and sent it. She did say thank you for that. She just can't say "thank you" or "I'm sorry" and evidently doesn't ever feel remorse - which is part of what makes me think she isn't wired right. But she refuses to get help and after 8 years of getting beat up on - I am frankly just out of energy.

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

starchild — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 14:04:05 GMT

And, thank you GmawMary for sharing this.

I don't know about anyone else (and I am sorry you are going through it) sharing it helps me feel I'm not so alone and different, occasionally having problems with "family". Even though I don't remember having that same problem, I have family members (married into) who sometimes act bascially that same way.

I think the first thing "we" think of is, what did I DO wrong?

I think it's just their issues and they need someone to dump on.

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

starchild — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 14:00:37 GMT

I agree with the advice to not say anything. For one thing you DS (her DH) is in the middle of this.

I think he must already know what she is like, and at some point it will come to doing something about it in a more active way (forcing her to go for therapy, separating, or something)

I also have come to believe, over the years the one who "gives us" (in such a situation) who goes in the direction of peace and leaving it along, in the long run, does win. Karma or life or something takes care of it in some way.

This is easier to say to someone else, and right now I am involved in (but trying not to be (LOL) something with some of my kids, I feel I have been doing "pretty good" with. It's so easy for these things to esculate into long time feuds and others getting involved.

And it really doesn't matter who is right or wrong, it's the stress and getting involved that we don't really need. Let those who want this stuff choose it.

I wonder, if you hand't sent flowers (in response to their pictures and birth announcement!) would she have been mad over that? Like we sent pictures and announcement and you didn't acknowledge it!

There's one thing I think of, and sometimes say (really loud) in such situations...

NUTS TO THEM ALL!!!!!!

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

starchild — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 11:49:39 GMT

Sometimes "giving up" is the best way. At least for you (the person doing it)

That sounds horrible! Refusing your flowers?

Why did they send you pictures and a birth announcement?

I wonder if there might be some mistake? Like the flowers went to the wrong person (in the hospital) or something?

I mean, you never know.

I have 7 children, all grown, and families, spouses, SOs etc now. So, we have a lot of "family" stuff that goes on at any given time. It's hard to keep trying, and supportive (if needed) and not get TOO involved. I tend to do that. Get involved.

There must be a happy medium, a balance. I was just thinking about this when I read your post.

I spent many years with a mother in law who never forgave me for "taking" her son away from her, and him being in the middle of it all. I would do things (bake her a birthday cake, bring the kids to see her, etc) and she would do things like that. Like she wouldn't eat the cake and didn't want the kids in her "perfect" house, etc.

So, back to the idea of "giving up" which I think you mean more like detaching from it.

But, I can, and I'm sure every one reading this, can understand how you feel.

It is good to have friends to talk to, and even the feedback, though sometimes it might not be what we want to hear, there might be some good advice in it.

The feeling of sharing is what helps.

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

PalominofillyinMS — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 05:17:39 GMT

Trust me, I feel your pain! Last summer I lost my only biological child at age 25 in a very tragic manner. You would not believe how my step son that I raised from age 10 to 20 treated me. He said some unbelievably cruel & hateful things to me! His wife is behind it. She has ALWAYS treated me like an "outsider" even though I have been married to my DH for over TWICE as long as this boy's mother. She calls me by my first name & after MANY times of me, my husband, & my late son asking her not to disrespect me like that, she continues. She even told my husband on one of the many occasions that he asked her to show me some respect "I do that to separate the REAL from the not real!" What a B!TCH!! I gave her nice maternity clothes when she was pregnant with the first DGD. When I gave her a very cute dress that I bought in the market place in Nicaragua on one of my mission trips, you would have thought that she would have taken a photo of our DGD in the dress. NO! I didn't even get a "Thank you". I don't get a phone call, much less a card on my birthday or Mother's Day. I never missed her birthday or my step son's. My DH & I were "so far down on the totem pole" that we didn't even warrant a visit during the WHOLE Christmas/New Year Holidays for two years in a row! I sent gift cards for them & the girls this past Christmas. Not so much as a "thank you." Next Christmas they are getting NOTHING, but the kids will. This DiL has the Narcisssist(sp?) thing going on BIG TIME! She thinks that she is better than anyone else. I am through with letting her upset me when I have to deal with my only bilogical child's death! I certainly don't need her s***!!! There is A LOT more to this story, but I would have to write a book. It is unbelievable how tacky she treats me & what really hurts is that my DH's son lets her do it! My DH is fed up with their crap, too! BTW, BFC, I would have done the same thing because I am a witch, too! LOL! Buwawawawawawh!!! Jeanne

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

JenniHusker — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 03:35:15 GMT

Congratulations on the birth of your new grandchild! I'm sorry that an adult woman can't act like an adult woman. IMHO there is a problem with your son. Why would he allow his wife treat you so shabbily? I would let him know what happened and tell him that you would love to see him and the child/children but that you will no longer tolerate his nasty wife.

I can partially understand how you feel. My son estranged himself from my husband and I over two years ago. I tried very hard to find out what the problem is (no arguement, no nastiness - he just stopped accepting my emails and phone calls) and I've given up. I gathered everything that reminded me of him, gifts and photos and put them in a box sealed it up and it is now downstairs. It's very liberating.

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

GmawMary — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 21:55:52 GMT

You are all just the greatest! Thanks so much!

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

rrdgrnr — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:20:26 GMT

(((((((((GmawMary))))))))) I have been reading your posts and am truly sorry for your personal pain. We have family members who could certainly be related and we have finally given up inviting them to functions. It is easier on everyone to hear them complaining from a distance then to ruin every single attempt at harmony. These people are extremely self centered and many do have narcissitic personaly disorders. However it is not easy to convince them they need help since they see themselves as the victim every time.

Finding a way to deal with this is difficult.. Self preservation while maintaining a relationship with your son is about all you can do at this point. And, congratulations on the new blessing in your life. May he be healthy, happy and not have the nasty gene his mother has.

BFC..Now ya know why I like you lady!! My best friend would have done the same thing and has!! :)

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

3MagnoliaTrees_LA_f_43 — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 15:55:46 GMT

Prayers going out. Keep the lines open with your son but with DIL stay away from her negativeness and be the adult like you have been.

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

nana007 — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 15:52:31 GMT

I'm so sorry about what you have been going thru. I am married to a 'difficult' person who has driven HIS family, MY family and our 3 children away (we have been married 38 years). I finally left him 3 years ago (not divorced just left) with the help and congratulations from EVERY person in our lives except his mother (who has since passed away). All family holidays, all great family moments (like the birth of our grandchildren) had been tainted by memories of his tantrums, anger, and/or complete silence when he was unhappy. He now sits in OUR house with absolutely no friends or family around while I have been invited to live with my children and enjoy life and heal past relationships that he has almost ruined. It took me a long, long time to finally get through my thick head that there was nothing I could do to change him or our lives while I was with him. I feel sorry for him but at 59 years old, I just can't live like that anymore. If there were a couple of words to describe him all those years I would say he was a self-centered bully.

Again, I'm so sorry for your pain, it is something I can relate to. Take care.

Nana

Re: Today, I - GmawMary - officially give up!

GmawMary — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 15:08:42 GMT

Fryegirl59:

Anyway, where the heck is your son??? What is his take on this?

After the fiasco at the family reunion last summer (she refused to be in the "once-of-a lifetime-every single-person-was-there family photo" and wouldn't speak to me for 3 months) my son and I had some really serious "she needs help" discussions.(There have been a few other occasions where she hasn't spoken to us for anywhere from 4-6 months. When she's done being mad she just calls out of the blue - no apologies or anyhting) He assured me several times that they were "working" on things. I finally spilled my guts to him on some things she had done that had really hurt family members. He claimed he had no idea and again assured me that they were working on things. Then all of a sudden they announce they're pregnant. I guess that was their idea of how to fix things. I haven't talked to him since the night Jacob was born. He said he'd call Sunday. He spoke briefly to my dh about the flowers. I have no idea where his head is at. The whole thing is kind of sad. He was always this incredibly kind, caring and very straighforward guy till he got involved with her and her family. Now her feelings are the only ones ever considered, he's very secretive and sometimes even deceitful. There's always this little part of me that wonders if she's verbally abusive - or worse - very controlling at the least.