#18

Can I just take a little time out here and tell you all a story? Christmas brings back so many fond memories! When I was growing up, our house on Christmas Eve was always filled with people rushing about and full of excitement! In the midst of all the mayhem, my brother and I would stare longingly at the mountains of presents under our tree—presents we would never get to open, because Mommie said there were poor children in Ethiopia. Christopher and I would silently curse the Ethiopian parents for being so selfish as to bring a child into the world when they couldn’t even afford to buy it a PlayStation.

After a while, the reporters would leave, and the nurse would take the twins upstairs and safely shackle them to their cribs. Mommie would pop off into the kitchen and make a plate of our favorite snack. Then Christopher and I, our bellies fat with the raw chuck, would sit on Mommie’s lap and admire the beautiful lights on our Christmas tree, and we would pretend to love Mommie and she would pretend to love us. Then Mommie would read us our favorite Christmas stories. Christopher always liked “’Twas The Night Before Christmas,” but my favorite was:

HOW THE RIDGE STOLE CHRISTMAS

Every Who in the Kitchen
Liked Christmas a lot.

But the Ridge who lived under a boulder
Did NOT.

The Ridge hated Christmas
And she hated the Whos!
Now please don’t ask why.
The reasons confuse.
It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right,
Or she hated to see Whos being merry and light!
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that her brain was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason; her brain or some booze,
She sat there on Christmas Eve hating the Whos.
Peeking out from her hole with a sour, Ridgy frown
She cursed all of the threads on the board up and down.
For she knew all those Whos on the plaza out there
Were laughing and happy and full of good cheer.

“They’re enjoying the season!” she said with a sneer.
“I must figure a way to cause anger this year!”
Then she growled with her Ridge fingers nervously drumming,
“I must find a way to stop Christmas from coming!”

For tomorrow she knew all the Who girls and boys
Would be posting of happiness, sharing their joys.
And she hated that noise! Oh, the noise,
NOISE, NOISE, NOISE!
That’s the one thing she hated: Whos sharing their joys!
Then the Whos would pass well-wishes, prayers, and they’d laugh!
And they’d laugh, and they’d laugh
And they’d LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH!
Then they’d all start up talking about Christmassy things
Whose kids came home, which Who husbands bought rings!
THEN they’d do something she didn’t like one bit
‘Cause when she looked under her tree, there wasn’t sh!t,
But every Who on the plaza, the old and the young
Would share with the board what Santana Claus had brung!
The Ridge said, “These Whos talk of what Santana Claus brings,
But when I look under my tree, there’s never a thing!”
And the more the Ridge thought of what Santana Claus brings
The more the Ridge thought, “I must stop this thing!
“Why, for five long years I’ve put up with it now!
“I must stop Christmas from coming…but how???”

Then she got an idea,
An awful idea.
THE RIDGE
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know just what to do!” the Ridge laughed like a goat,
And she made a quick Santana chook and a coat.
And she chuckled, “I’m brilliant, as far as these threads go!
“With this chook and this coat I’ll look just like a lesbo!”

“All I need is a jackass…”

The Ridge looked around.
But her favorite jackass was not to be found
For the Ridge had kicked Bright_Eyes right out of the hole
For being a moron, and dumb as a pole.
So she called her chihuahua, 4boysmom, instead,
And said, “Here, #4, put this bone on your head.”

Then she loaded some bags and some empty old sacks
And she hitched an old sled to 4boysmom’s back.
Then the Ridge said, “Giddyup!” and the sled started out
To the plaza where no Whos were milling about.
All their threads standing still, quiet peace filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.

When she came to the first thread in the plaza out there...

“This is stop number one!” the Ridgy Claus hissed.
And she entered the thread, empty bags in her fist.
And she sat at the keyboard, her eyes firey red
“Let’s fill this goodwill thread with insults, instead!
“Here’s some old-fashioned hatred for the idiot tards!
“And a big pile of bullsh!t to spread in their yards!”
When she finished with one thread, she moved to the next
Spreading her cont fonts through self-righteous text.
Then she slithered and slunk, all the while loudly b!tchin’,
Till she’d sucked all the happiness out of the Kitchen.
And she took every last gentle, peace-wishing thread
And she placed them in bags and then loaded her sled.
She took everything beautiful and left something obscene.
No one knows, really, why Ridges are so mean
But she said, “Even this is not enough for me!”
“So now,” hissed the Ridge, “I will steal their tree!”

And the Ridge grabbed the tree and she started to lift
When she heard a small sound, like a windy snowdrift.
She turned around fast, and was very surprised
To see young bunnybooWho, rubbing her eyes!
The Ridge had been caught by this little Who daughter
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Ridge, and said, “Santana, why?
“Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?”

For a moment the two simply stood there and stared,
Then the Ridge remembered she had come prepared!
The Ridge used the words she had honed to perfection,
“You upset baby Jesus in the midterm election!
“You voted Democrat! That’s THE biggest sin!
“There’ll be no Christmas for you, not ever again!
“You do not deserve this tree, bunnybooWho,
“So I’m taking it with me to the CCC2!”

Bunny knew something was wrong with this scene
Santana had never seemed so drunk or so mean!
So she called to the Whos still asleep in their beds
To come see how the Ridge had perverted their threads!
And the Ridge simply laughed in a sinister way
And surveyed the board as the sun broke that day.
“With the hatred I spread here, this place is improving!
“But the Whos are now waking! 4boysmom, get moving!”

Three thousand feet down! Down her pit into Hades
That the Ridge shared with other Conservative Ladies®,
“Pooh-pooh to the Whos!” she was Ridge-ish-ly humming,
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
“Then all the Whos in the kitchen will all cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned the Ridge, “That I simply must hear!”
So she paused and put a hand to her cauliflower ear

And she did hear a sound waft down into the hole

It started in low.

Then it started to grow.

But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sounded quite merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!!!

Every Who in the kitchen, the tall and the small
Was laughing and singing and having a ball!
She HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming!
It CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Ridge poked her Ridge nose up out of the hole
She listened and puzzled, “How can this be so?
“The Whos are all giggling and laughing with glee
“And the worst thing about it? They’re laughing at me!!!”

For the Whos had awakened and seen all the threads
So they read and they read
And they read, read, read, read.
But the Whos could make no sense of what the Ridge said!
The tried their darned best to understand what she wrote
But they finally decided it must be a joke!
There were several winks from the nasty ole spammer
The rest was just asterisks and disjointed yammer!
The Whos laughed so hard at what had been written
That they didn’t even notice their tannenbaum missin’!

See, the Ridge never knew that for Christmas to start
All a Who needs is a warm, laughing heart
And the Whos filled the board with goodwill to all men
And the nasty old Ridge was not seen there again

What became of the Ridge?
Well, the story is related,
What was left of her mind just disintegrated.
She left in her wake many gibberish threads
And she left 4boysmom with a bone on her head.

OMG! lol

huzzah! a masterpiece!!!

yep dis my very very favorite

lol dis just da bestest

LOL